Schadenfreude Consulting
Your misery is my company
It's not so bad
You're a small business with a hideous site and little or no social media presence (all running on a minuscule budget).
Don't worry, I understand small businesses because I am a small business. 
So I know what it's like to have to get blood from a stone.
Websites
They don't have to be fancy: just not ugly and not outrageously expensive. Oh, and maybe functional. That would be nice, if it's not asking too much.

I work with the platform which best suits your needs (and budget).

By the way, that's just stock imagery here because anyone who really wears glasses wouldn't leave them like that. And you couldn't pay me to work on a laptop. Trips to the chiro will eat up all your revenue.
Too soon? Well, if you've read this far, you may want to reach out to me. 
2 8 9 - 6 3 5 - 3 1 3 8

Let's TALK first. No. Really. Talk. Remember that? #solastweek
What was I thinking?
A DISSATISFIED CLIENT
She set me years behind schedule.
ANOTHER CRABBY CLIENT
Never again.
An EX-CLIENT
Her services are like the morning after a night before.
A REALLY TICKED CLIENT
She punches well-below her weight class.
AN OBSERVANT CLIENT
What a blight to our bottom line.
ANOTHER DISSATISFIED CLIENT
Who knew? Our morale COULD sink lower.
A CLIENT LIVING WITH REGRET
E-Commerce Solutions
It doesn't have to be ridiculously expensive (although I do love the income).

I'll help you set up affordable (and scalable) e-commerce solutions to fit your budget. 
Content Creation
Content Creation. Content Marketing. Lead Generation (is that before or after Gen-Y?)

Let's not get above ourselves: call it what you will,  I write stuff for you so you can make some dinero, pay your bills, have a vacay rather than a staycay.

And for the record, I do have several ink pens. This isn't one of them. But it looks nice, doesn't it? My real pen is usually tucked into my bra.

Yes, I'm old enough to know how to write in cursive. Pay me accordingly :-)